Nuremberg, 1946

Due to an ill-advised infatuation with helmets in 1942, I became a member of the National Socialist Workers Party for two weeks and subsequently found myself charged with war crimes at the Nuremberg Trials. I managed to avoid sentencing by jumping over the wooden partition and pretending to be a journalist.

In this particular photo Herman Goering is about to read a poem. Although its hard to see from this angle, I'm eating a satsuma.

Washington DC, 1974

After losing his wife for a second time during a magic trip (along with Vice-President Gerald Ford) Nixon's patience with me finally snapped, and I was made to sit in the front of his helicopter on Presidential journeys and point out historical sights of interest and good places to eat.

Thankfully the Watergate scandal came to my rescue and I was eventually relieved of my duties. Although I admired Nixon's punctuality, I, like many Americans, had come to despise many parts of his character, in particularly his growing memory loss. As you can see, Nixon has just lost two pairs of his favourite scissors.

Everest, 1952

The first successful ascent of Everest was orginally planned as a three-man expedition, which would include my good self. However Tenzing Norgay, always jealous of my superior talents as a climber, gave me the wrong address. While Hillary and Norgay celebrate their success here, I am to be found some 2000 feet lower on the summit of nearby Mount Grangerford-Smythe.

What really annoyed me was I was wearing a very nice jumper that day. You can hardly make it out from this angle. But I am glad that Sir Edmund followed my advice and carried a pumpkin up the mountain.

 

Dallas, 1964

I was in Dallas that week for a regional hat convention. The weather had just turned nippy in Paris and I was looking for something to keep my head warm, as well as being able to hold small dogs as part of a new magic trick I was working on.

Upon leaving the convention's famous brick foyet, wearing my new purchase - a black hat with a fake compartment - I recognized my old friend Lee Harvey Oswald doing a sudoko puzzle. I immediately launched into a partiuclarly rude joke about what Princess Margaret and a salmon farm have in common but, as I reached the punchline, Jack Ruby shot him. I can only assume this was because Lee had failed to wear a hat. Jack was a stickler for the rules. My biggest regret is that I never got to borrow Jack's glasses.

 

FA Cup, 1965

Whilst working for a local hardware store one summer, I managed to accidentally staple my hand to Wembley Stadium. To my acute embarassment there was a football match going on at the time. The game continued despite my predicament.

While Roger Daltrey attempted to prise me off the turf, a nearby policeman thought it was more helpful to run around taking photos. The day was completely ruined when Bill Shankly stole my shoes.

To this day I've never visited Leeds or Liverpool.

 

Uganda, 1971

I spent most of the 1970's as Idi Amin's butler. Although highly rewarding, the hours were long and the pension plan limited.

As you can see here, Idi had just halted the start of a charity fun run to demand a cheese and onion pasty from me. Unfortunately I was stuck at the back and by the time I'd fought my way through a pork pie had already been provided by the man in the white hat.

Several people were shot as a result of my tardiness.

 

Bolivia, 1968

Whilst cycling through South America it was brought to my attention that a group of military generals and financial accountants were having trouble waking the notoriously heavy-sleeper Che Guevera. I managed to rouse him from his slumbers by playing a clarinet out of shot, while General Timms rubbed marmite on his belly.

Many months later the bike was stolen while I was buying a newspaper.